By Raamesh Gowri Raghavan

After an in-shallowness (the sort of study that is the exact opposite of in-depth) study of Tamil Nadu’s political scene, I have managed to make a few guidelines for forming a political party and gaining followers:

1. Grow a moustache and become a Kollywood Hero. For was it not said by Thalaippuillaadhavar (Meaning He who has no epithet) Sathyaraj in his super-non-hit Villadhi Villan (1995) that the way to Kottai (Fort St. George) is through Kodai (Kodambakkam)? The darker and more un-Aryan you are the better, as current Tamil Nadu Leader of Opposition, ‘Captain’ can testify. As can T. Rajendar (AILDMK) and Sarath Kumar (AISMK

2. Ensure that your name is so well recognised that the initials suffice. Three initials are usually needed. The combination M-G-R had a magic ring to it. [When V K Ramaswamy had to play a politician in a film, he used his initials rather successfully.] Alternatively, try to have alliterating ones, like the late lamented K. Kamaraj, the late unlamented Aladi Aruna or the current not-late-but-lamented JJ. My own initials work out to RGR, and those with some political knowledge have suggested that I might be lucky were I to run for office. 

3. Get into the habit of wearing sunglasses at all times. Even indoors. Even in the deep, dark corridors of the Old Secretariat. Or the New Secretariat (which will have deep dark corridors since JJ has shifted back to the Old Secretariat and will, presumably, not be paying the electricity bills of the new one). Wearing a karakul cap is optional, wearing a shawl around the shoulders in the Agni Nakshatram heat of Chennai is not. After all you need to prove to the people that you have risen above your humble towel-and-loincloth days.

4. Acquire an epithet that alliterates with your name. Anna was Arignar, Karunanidhi is Kalaignar. MGR was Puratchi Thalaivar but then MGR was MGR. Even Sivaji Ganesan was Sevaliar Sivaji, the epithet derived from the Chevalier d’Art he once got from the French (were to know of it, I’m sure they’d withdraw it feeling offended). Being plain old Vaiko didn’t help much, perhaps being Vambukkaarar (He who gets into or causes trouble) Vaiko might have got him the CM”s chair by now.

5. Get royally upset with the existing political order, and announce that you will turn your fan club into a political party. Doesn’t matter that it has diminished in size and ‘fans’ have shifted to Chinna Dalapathi Vijay or have moved back to the original Dalapathi. Once you turn it into a political party, you will need to appoint Taluka and District-level Katchi Adhibars (Party Head) and their VPs, Treasurers, Secretaries etc. A lot of ‘leaders’ from the other parties will flock to you, in search of employment.

6. Get hold of a flag maker to design a party flag. It must be black above and red below, else the Thamizh Makkal have a tough time recognising that it is a party flag. If you have any doubts, try to ask of the Thamizh Makkal what the Congress party flag looks like. The currently popular motif consists of an orator scolding the people, though not too long ago it was a rising sun. A black torch on a yellow circle seems to be rising in popularity.

7. Your party’s name does not matter much, as long as the last two letters are MK. Having Dravida in it helps.  If in doubt, again ask any of the Thamizh Makkal what INC stands for. It could be Makkal Katchi or Munnetra Kazhagam, it doesn’t matter much. But do have a care on how it sounds. MDMK sounds like Mathimuka, which can mean ‘change your nose’ and then folk do not take you seriously. If in doubt, ask Vaiko about his poor showing. You can call your party Ekkeduketta Dandasoru Porukki Munnetra Kazhagam (EDPMK) (Completely Spoilt Unemployable Gangster Development Party) and still get voted to power, as long as Edapamaka doesn’t have any funny meanings in Thamizh.

8. Get 60-foot cut-outs of yourself installed at prominent spots at Anna Salai in Chennai, and similar roads in Nellai, Madurai, Kovai, Udhagai, Thiruchi, Velur, Puduvai, Thanjai, Salem and Dharmai. This may cost you a bit, especially getting groups to do paal-abhiskekam to your cut-outs every morning. (Paal abhishekam means anointing with milk. Milk is of course, not mandatory, dilute chalk water can be substituted as long as no one tries to taste it). Rich fluorescent colours are a no-no, since you have now transformed from a 256-shade Super Star to a purer-than-white angavastram-and-veshti wearing Thalaivar. The more people see your paal-abhishekam, the more they will flock to your party.

9. Rig up rallies in various parts of rural Tamil Nadu, where you can display your oratory. Try not to get drunk before your speech or violently thump your own party’s candidate, although that has been proven not to affect your electoral chances. Hiring a prominent comedian to mock your opponents has however not been proven as a poll-winning tactic. As for oratory, you don’t actually need to write and practice a speech. A number of dialogues from old MGR & Sivaji films can be mixed and matched. Sivaji’s speech to the tax collector in Veerapandi Kattabomman and various dialogues from MGR’s Nadodi Mannan are recommended. Adding a few kurals here and there show scholarship, and quoting some Vairamuthu suggests that you can read and write Thamizh.

10. Making outlandish promises that will bankrupt the state treasury is mandatory. Offering colour TVs, mixer-grinders and laptops is now considered par for the course. To beat the opponents, you have to come up with something truly out-of-the-world. In fact, a trip to the moon and back might be a good idea (tendered for by Virgin Galactic), if you think Apple may not be willing to underwrite your scheme to distribute free iPads.

If at the end of all this, you have not been elected Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, then I am leaving your party and starting my own.